And Now For The News

I’m not making this up, although I wish I were:

  • Doctors are advising people not to drink bleach or inject disinfectants into their bodies in an attempt to cure the coronavirus. I mean, what idiot would suggest such a thing? And are Tide pods still OK, or is that so last year?
  • The Los Angeles Lakers basketball team, worth $4.4 billion – that’s $4,400,000,000 – returned the $4.6 million they received from the Payroll Protection Program so that the money “could be directed to those more in need.” And you applied for it in the first place, why?
  • Stories are popping up about how to cut your hair at home without ruining it. I believe I’ve already addressed this, and the short answer is: don’t.
  • Vice President Mike Pence did not wear a mask during a visit to the Mayo Clinic despite being advised that it was hospital policy and everyone else – patients, doctors, nurses, staff and administrators – all were wearing them because he said when he thanked the health-care workers he wanted “to look them in the eye.” Well, you could have at least worn a Lone Ranger mask then.
  • A leader of the ReOpen North Carolina group organizing protests against stay-at-home orders revealed in a Facebook post that she tested positive for COVID-19.  Well, of course she did.
  • Poultry producers say they are killing 2 million chickens humanely because processing plants are closing due to the pandemic. Well, humanely, OK, then. At least they’re not going to torture them to death. Although burning them at the stake … hmmm.
  • A woman applying for unemployment benefits in Maryland was told she was number 88,000 in line. Could you hold, please?
  • Beer sales have increased as people abide by stay-at-home orders, led by Busch Light, Miller Lite, Michelob Ultra and Natural Light. It’s the end of the world as we know it, people. Drink up. And drink some decent beer, for God’s sake. He’s probably already into the tequila shots Himself.

A Hairy Time Was Had By All

I don’t know about you, but I’m about to need a haircut.

I grew up as a Navy brat, which in military lingo means my father was a career Navy man (who is now, incidentally, proudly one of the oldest alumni of the U.S. Naval Academy in Annapolis) and we got to move around a lot. It also meant, among other things, that my hair was never much more than an inch long until I went off to college.

Yes, despite endless pleading, tears, and fruitless appeals to a higher authority (my mom), my father would not be dissuaded from regularly dragging my brother and me to the base barber for our official military haircut, a buzz cut just like a boot camp recruit would receive. Even after he retired from the Navy, my father would usually clip our hair himself – except for that awful year when he would take us to a barber college, where some nervous trainee would give us not just an ordinary buzz cut, but a flat top. I remember to this day the barber-in-chief (head barber? barber teacher?) coming over, ruler in hand, to grade the novice barber’s effort, squinting as he placed the ruler on my head to see if the top was perfectly flat, no matter that my scalp in the middle was baldly exposed because of the complicated hirsute geometry of planes and head shapes and hair length.

I finally was allowed some hair by high school, but I really rebelled when I went off to college and let it grow long (it was the ‘70s, after all). When it got too long, I trimmed it myself- with predictably amateurish and appalling results. Looking back, it looked worse than a buzz cut.

So now that professional hair cutters are shut down, some of us are seeing just how essential their services are. (Although since I haven’t seen any man buns on politicians, I assume they, as usual, get to pick and choose what rules they want to follow and generally have access to services unavailable to the rest of us.)

Like other things, we are all learning to do without or do for ourselves, and after several weeks of isolation hair styling, or the lack thereof, is starting to be a concern. Sales of hair clippers and hair coloring are apparently going through the roof as people catch glimpses of themselves in the mirror. Based on my experience, though, I would be careful with those scissors, folks. I predict that hats will be the next big fad – to cover up all those do-it-yourself haircuts.

Personally, I can’t wait to get back to a professional with talent, artistry and skill to make this mop on my head look better.

I’m thinking maybe a nice flat top….

A Crisis In The Crapper

I never thought I’d see the day that we ran out of toilet paper.

Fortunately, that day has not come at our house, but it seems to be drawing nigh, what with shelves still empty in the stores. (Even more horrifying, according to my wife, are the rumors of a possible shortage of Jack Daniels, her libation of choice. But that’s too terrifying a calamity to contemplate, so we won’t.)

I know there are a lot of reasons for the shortages, starting with all the abominable people out there who stockpiled and hoarded toilet paper along with wipes and sanitizers and are even now smugly sitting on their reams of rolls. All I can say to you people is karma is a bitch, which means there is probably a bad case of diarrhea in your near future.

But I also read that some of the shortage is attributable to the fact that we’re all staying home a lot more, rather than going to work or out to eat or shopping or going to places of entertainment. This means we are not using as much of that cheap, industrial-strength TP sold commercially – you know the kind; it feels like recycled sandpaper – but more of the soft, plush two-ply sold for home use.

Whatever the reasons and excuses, how is it even fathomable that the greatest country in the world two decades into the 21st century can’t keep up with the demand for bathroom tissue? It’s almost like there is no one in charge; where does the buck stop when it comes to making sure we don’t run out of such essentials? I know this pandemic has been likened to being at war, but come on; we’re not talking about a shortage of metal or bullets or battleships. It’s like we’ve devolved into some Third World country or are living back in the pioneer days, making America crappy again.

Someone could at least put out some helpful videos like they do on how to make a mask out of a bandana or a T-shirt or an old sock or something to show us some alternatives. Most people can figure out that leaves will work in a pinch, but what if you don’t have access to leaves or you don’t own a rake? (For the record, I have plenty of old leaves, two rakes, and I accept all major credit cards.)

Toilet paper has only been around in the United States since the 1850s (although the Chinese have been using it for centuries), so humans have been using other stuff for a long time. According to my diligent if cursory research, the ancient Greeks used clay, while the Romans used wool or sponges. People living near the sea often used shells (yikes!). Colonial Americans famously used corn cobs. The Inuit use moss or (brrr!) snow. Newspapers are a handy substitute, but the ink can cause some minor discoloration. Sand, rocks, ferns, grass and fruit skins have also been tried. So there are plenty of options out there, although none that I would consider, er, palatable.

In normal times we wouldn’t stand for this scandalous slackness in providing such basic necessities. We would be out marching in the streets, protesting, demanding our right as citizens to wipe properly. But, or course, right now we have to stay home and sit it out.

But in the meantime, perhaps we should all start wearing underwear on our heads when we do go out. It would serve two purposes: As a face mask and as a protest over this deplorable mess that is the Great American Toilet Paper Fiasco of 2020.

Turn Out The Lights

So the other night I was headed to bed and as I turned out the living room lights I happened to glance out our window – if you were actually reading this on my blog website rather than taking the lazy way out and having it conveniently emailed to your inbox, you would see the daytime view I’m talking about –  and saw a most startling sight.

There, hanging right above the distant ridge line, was this bright shining … well, orb, is the best description I can give, and I don’t use the word orb very often unless I’d doing a crossword puzzle. I must admit, I probably spend more time than the average person gazing skyward, what with living in the country – not technically in the boonies but close enough for your basic government demographic description, but of course you would know all this if you are a regular reader and have been paying attention – but I had never seen such a celestial sight.

After much binocular perusal and Google goggling, I determined the celestial object to be Venus, the much revered and famed evening star. It apparently is at the brightest it has been in several years and, I must say, breathtaking in its, well, orbicity. I mean, other than the moon, there are not many objects in the sky that are round to the naked eye.

Anyway, my point here is that there are things out there that are best seen with the lights out. I was brought up in a waste-not, want-not household – with the emphasis on, well, you can want that all you want but the odds are pretty slim you’ll ever get it (I’m looking at you, Daisy pump-action BB gun) – and one of the things we did not waste was electricity. 

I don’t know, maybe electricity wasn’t as plentiful back in the day as it is now, but we kids knew not to waste it. We didn’t have to be told twice to turn out the light when we left a room – “What, you think electricity grows on trees?” – and we were lucky to have so much as a nightlight in the bathroom much less in our bedroom – “There aren’t any monsters under your bed and anyway, if you don’t have a light on in here you won’t be able to see them” (this is what passed for parental logic, or possibly humor, in the ‘60s).

Despite all of this, I as an adult am not particularly afraid of the dark. Unlike, apparently, the rest of my neighborhood and most of America. I mean, people, why do you leave your porch lights on all night? Are you expecting visitors at 3 am? Other than the moths that are congregating around your back porch?

I get it. I live in the relative safety of the backwoods. I don’t live in a high-crime area, where I would take all necessary precautions including external lighting and razor wire fences. But I don’t live in a city, and when I drive around at night I see countless houses with every room lit up so brightly you can probably see them from, well, Venus. I know there isn’t someone in every single room, so why are all those lights on? And don’t get me started on those security lights on telephone poles blinding everything with a quarter mile of their yard.

So I say turn off your lights if you are not using them. Embrace your dark side. You’re missing half of each day, half of life. You’re missing moonbeams and starlight and fireflies and shooting stars and other enchanting manifestations of magic. But you have to turn your lights off to see them.

When the moon is full it’s like the lights are on outside anyway. Many people today take the moon for granted, but like Venus it has an ancient and beguiling relationship with us terrestrial life forms. For instance, some people look out at a full moon and think of love, whereas others think of werewolves. It depends on your perspective, I suppose. Kind of a glass half-empty, half-full thing.

I say fill up your glass to the brim and live life, even if it’s dark outside. Trust me, you’ll be amazed at the wonders that await.