A User’s Guide To Self-Isolation

Since it appears we might all be self-quarantining ourselves sooner or later, I thought as a public service that I would offer a few tips on how to keep from going stir crazy sitting at home for an extended period. Here you go:

• Watch TV. Regular readers know my thoughts on television in general and binge-watching in particular, but I’m willing to concede that there are exceptions even to my opinions. Since there are no sporting events – get ready for endless “classic” games, also known as reruns, on all the endless sports channels that suddenly have no content to show – I suggest watching some good movies. I recommend some of the timeless, thought-provoking, literate classics such as Citizen Kane, To Kill A Mockingbird, Casablanca, or Caddyshack. Another option is, yes, binge-watching your favorite shows, such as they are. Avoid the news; you’ll just get yourself worked up over nothing. Or check out some of those other 835 channels you get that you never watch; you’ll be amazed at the diversity of, um, programming.

• Read. Yes, I know most people don’t regularly read books, but it’s not your fault. That boring “character-driven” (literary-speak for having no discernible plot or point) crap they made you read in high school is enough to turn anyone away from reading. If you’re wondering what kind of book you should start with if you haven’t read any for a long time, mine is available on Amazon.

• Listen to music. Sing along. Dance along. Get your groove on. Go on, turn it up … no, a little bit louder now.

• Have a conversation. Just sit and talk with your significant other and remember why they are so significant. If it’s just you in the house, hey, no problem. Who better to talk to than someone as fascinating as yourself? This is a great chance for a little introspection, some soul-searching, a bit of contemplation. And no one will think you’re crazy talking to yourself because you’re self-quarantined! But since we’re all on edge a bit, try to avoid getting testy and into arguments with yourself about trivial matters. You know how it goes: The argument escalates and leads to recriminations, accusations, profanity and words you’ll regret later. You’ll end up not speaking to yourself and going off to another room in a huff, and then where will you be (other than in a room you don’t want to be in)?

• Start in on spring cleaning or some other home-improvement chore you never have time for or don’t want to do, such as cleaning out your closet or that kitchen drawer cluttered up with all those baffling utensils whose purpose are a complete mystery but which you keep anyway because you might use them one day – as if you’ll suddenly have an epiphany and go, dammit, Jim, of course that’s a strawberry stem remover, now where can I get some decent strawberries.

• Start a hobby. Take up knitting or painting or tuba playing or – I’m not afraid of a little competition – writing. Do something you enjoy, something fun, something you’ve always wanted to do. Which leads me to…

• Do a jigsaw puzzle. This is a favorite activity in Smithworld; they’re fun, come in all sizes, shapes and degrees of difficulty and are wonderful at disengaging your mind from the real world, which is what we all need to do more of. They also allow you to multi-task, so that while you’re puzzling you can simultaneously listen to music or carry on a conversation, sometimes with the puzzle pieces themselves. For those at home alone, it’s also a great way to let your mind wander and forget that you’re mad and not speaking to yourself right now.

So have fun. Be happy. You’re at home. Chill out. Live life. Quit worrying, don’t panic and, please, stay healthy.