Greetings From The Rear

I was reading a news story speculating that shaking hands may become a victim of the pandemic because it is a prime way of transferring germs, that in the future we won’t want to randomly touch people we’ve been staying a healthy six feet away from. 

Shaking hands dates, some historians say, back to caveman times as a means of showing each other that you didn’t have a weapon, the club you held behind your back with your other hand notwithstanding. So if we are going to do away with the historic handshake after all this time, we need a worthy replacement.

Fist bumps won’t work, because they’re only marginally less dirty than shaking hands. Ditto high fives. Elbow bumps are a collision of funny bones waiting to happen. European cheek-kissing … obviously not. Even hugging might be relegated to the dustbin of history.

Bowing is an option, but we’d all have to learn the intricacies of how low do you go. Curtsying? Please. A Namaste or wai form of greeting, or some other variation of placing your hands together with or without a slight bow, would seem a reasonable alternative, but these carry a lot of implications of societal behavior and social standing that, let’s be honest, are way too subtle and sophisticated for Americans who think that slapping someone on their back hard enough to dislodge dentures is a sign of affection.

So, what are we to do?

May I suggest … butt bumping?

Hear me out. I’m not talking about patting someone on the butt with your hand; that greeting is reserved for athletes, parents of bratty kids, and boorish oafs. No, what I’m suggesting is just a gentle coming together of rear ends with a bit of controlled contact, preferably more of a fleshy rump tap and not a bony hip check.

This interaction wouldn’t be considered sexual in nature or some form of mild physical assault since it would become the standard greeting and a perfectly acceptable social convention. After all, lots of people who are not natural huggers recoil in horror when enveloped in another person’s arms and many construe it as a mortal embarrassment, if not outright sexual assault. 

But butt bumping has all kinds of possibilities and permutations. You could have your casual I-don’t-really-know-you barely brushing of buttocks, your firm yet brief derriere press for more formal occasions, the lingering fanny-to-fanny rub between intimate friends, and the full double-cheek backside bounce when you’re really glad to see someone. Of course, manly men who now crush your hand in a vise to demonstrate their testosterone levels would be throwing their butts around like, well, asses. 

Plus, this method leaves your hands free so you don’t even have to stop texting some other friend on your phone while you greet someone.

So, the next time you see someone coming up to you with their hand outstretched to shake, don’t be rude, just shake your booty instead like a civilized person should.