A Crisis In The Crapper

I never thought I’d see the day that we ran out of toilet paper.

Fortunately, that day has not come at our house, but it seems to be drawing nigh, what with shelves still empty in the stores. (Even more horrifying, according to my wife, are the rumors of a possible shortage of Jack Daniels, her libation of choice. But that’s too terrifying a calamity to contemplate, so we won’t.)

I know there are a lot of reasons for the shortages, starting with all the abominable people out there who stockpiled and hoarded toilet paper along with wipes and sanitizers and are even now smugly sitting on their reams of rolls. All I can say to you people is karma is a bitch, which means there is probably a bad case of diarrhea in your near future.

But I also read that some of the shortage is attributable to the fact that we’re all staying home a lot more, rather than going to work or out to eat or shopping or going to places of entertainment. This means we are not using as much of that cheap, industrial-strength TP sold commercially – you know the kind; it feels like recycled sandpaper – but more of the soft, plush two-ply sold for home use.

Whatever the reasons and excuses, how is it even fathomable that the greatest country in the world two decades into the 21st century can’t keep up with the demand for bathroom tissue? It’s almost like there is no one in charge; where does the buck stop when it comes to making sure we don’t run out of such essentials? I know this pandemic has been likened to being at war, but come on; we’re not talking about a shortage of metal or bullets or battleships. It’s like we’ve devolved into some Third World country or are living back in the pioneer days, making America crappy again.

Someone could at least put out some helpful videos like they do on how to make a mask out of a bandana or a T-shirt or an old sock or something to show us some alternatives. Most people can figure out that leaves will work in a pinch, but what if you don’t have access to leaves or you don’t own a rake? (For the record, I have plenty of old leaves, two rakes, and I accept all major credit cards.)

Toilet paper has only been around in the United States since the 1850s (although the Chinese have been using it for centuries), so humans have been using other stuff for a long time. According to my diligent if cursory research, the ancient Greeks used clay, while the Romans used wool or sponges. People living near the sea often used shells (yikes!). Colonial Americans famously used corn cobs. The Inuit use moss or (brrr!) snow. Newspapers are a handy substitute, but the ink can cause some minor discoloration. Sand, rocks, ferns, grass and fruit skins have also been tried. So there are plenty of options out there, although none that I would consider, er, palatable.

In normal times we wouldn’t stand for this scandalous slackness in providing such basic necessities. We would be out marching in the streets, protesting, demanding our right as citizens to wipe properly. But, or course, right now we have to stay home and sit it out.

But in the meantime, perhaps we should all start wearing underwear on our heads when we do go out. It would serve two purposes: As a face mask and as a protest over this deplorable mess that is the Great American Toilet Paper Fiasco of 2020.