The Hidden Benefits Of Wearing A Mask

I don’t want to get into a political debate about wearing face masks during the pandemic because, well, that’s a subject that shouldn’t be about politics. Few of us enjoy wearing masks, but I was thinking that there are some definite upsides to covering your face. 

Other than spreading a deadly disease, of course.

• Bad breath is not as noticeable. Forget those breath mints; your mouth is covered! Who’s going to smell that odiferous odor emanating from your otherwise ordinary orifice (sorry, the alliterative aspect of that articulation was altogether too alluring). On the other hand, don’t overdo the garlic for lunch since you’ll still be breathing your own fumes in close confinement, so to speak.

• Lipstick is no longer necessary. Ladies, who cares? We can’t see your lips, so we don’t know if you’re sporting Flamboyant Fuchsia or Luscious Lavender on those smackers. But if you just can’t bear the thought of someone seeing you lipstickless, you can always paint some on your mask.

• Nose hair trimming. Why bother? I’m thinking there are people out there growing luxurious nosestaches as we speak, with all kinds of styles from carefully trimmed bristles to full-blown waxed handlebars popping out of those nostrils and hidden from polite society behind a mask. Hey, don’t hate; people poke holes in their noses to stick in rings for some bizarre fashion sense, what with the attendant sideways snot blows when they sneeze, so we should all tolerate a few stray nose hairs. 

• You are harder to recognize, thus making it harder to recognize anyone else. Therefore it is far easier to avoid people you don’t want to run into by pretending you don’t know who they are.

• Masks are the great equalizer when it comes to people’s appearances. If you are not particularly attractive, nobody knows! We all look the same – unless you have an unfashionable mask, naturally. Talk about equality; you just don’t know whether you’re talking – from six feet apart – with some amazing Adonis or some grotesque, hideous hag.

Speaking of which, that’s all fine and good, but it’s not so great for handsome devils like me who have to hide our dazzling good looks from the masses. But, hey, we all have to make sacrifices.