All Alone In The Middle Of The Night

I roll over and look at the clock. It glows cheerily in the dark: 3:04.

I roll back over and look out past the sleeping form of my wife to the twinkling stars in the night sky out our bedroom window, which of course are little more than twinkling blobs since I am not wearing the glasses I have had to wear since I was in the fifth grade. I close my eyes to go back to sleep.

Except I need to pee. I sigh, get up and go to the bathroom. Back in bed, I pull up the covers and close my eyes once more. I wait for sleep or, if I were poetically inclined, which I sometimes am in the middle of the night, to fall into the arms of Morpheus. I lie there comfortably, ready to drift off.

What was that noise? Was it inside or out? Animal or mechanical? Neither, I decide as I sit up in bed. Just the wind.

I lie back down. Geez, what is wrong with my pillow? It used to be really comfortable. I punch it into submission. There. Better.

I feel a bit cool what with that breeze that I think was making that noise and wonder if I should reach down and get the rest of the covers that, now that I think about it, are roasting my feet. It seems like a lot of trouble to reach all the way down there. Then I’d probably be too hot, like my feet. I’ll pass. For now.

I roll over. F is sound asleep. Good for her. At least one of us is. Snoring softly. I wish I was. Maybe I should wake her so I can tell her I’m having trouble sleeping … no, no,no. That would be wrong. Just like me being awake while she snoozes is wrong. No, no. Don’t think that way. That’s just jealousy.

I take a peek at the clock. 3:22. Okay, time to go back to sleep. Concentrate. Wait, what? Concentrate on sleep? That’s kind of a contradiction, isn’t it? Or not, my mind is a bit fuzzy right now. I need sleep.

Maybe if I read for a bit. Don’t even need to turn the light on and risk waking F what with my e-book right there. But then I’d have to sit up, rearrange this damnable pillow that is already uncomfortable again. And that means I will be committed to being awake for awhile, as opposed to the chance I could be asleep in a moment.

Yeah. A fat chance. I stick my feet, still smoldering from the bed spread piled up at the foot of the bed, out of the covers. I could kick the spread to the floor. But then they would be lost forever if I decided I needed them later in the night. Morning. Whatever. What time is it anyway? No, don’t look, it will just lead to despair. 

3:52. Damn. I was right. Very despairing. I’m going to wake up in the morning all tired and grouchy, not my usual perky bright-eyed and busy-tailed self. Unless I go to sleep right now. Take a deep breath and relax … what is that smell?

Is that a skunk? Is it right outside our screen door to the deck? Is it eating F’s tomatoes in the pots out there? Do I care? I don’t like them – the tomatoes; I have no particular dislike of skunks, other than their smell. And it would serve her right, snoring away over there rather than on guard to protect her precious tomatoes, the nasty little things. No, no. That’s frustration talking. I need some sleep, is all. That was a skunk I smell, but he’s off in the woods somewhere and the scent is faint. Thank goodness.

Okay. Let’s get serious now. Relax. Whew. Why is my body feeling so creaky and uncomfortable? This bed that is usually so comfy feels lumpy and hard and is killing my back. The pillow ain’t exactly a bed of roses, either. I’ll just have a quick glance … AHHH! 4:14! No, no, no. This is unacceptable. It’ll be time to get up before I ever get to sleep. But then I’ll at least maybe get some breakfast, because I’m starving. And thirsty, too. No, then I’ll have to pee again.

Come to think of it, I could pee again. Okay, I’ll go do that, but then it’s definitely off to dreamland.

I’m ready. C’mon, sleep. I’m dozing off. I’m thinking about how sleepy I am, how I could just nod right off. I’m not thinking about insomnia, I’m thinking calm and peaceful thoughts about … what am I doing tomorrow? Do I need to run errands in town? What am I supposed to be cooking for dinner tomorrow night? What night is that? What night is tonight, I mean this morning? Why am I asking all these questions? And who am I talking to?

If F was awake I could talk to her … no, no, no. Let her sleep. 

I look out the window again. Is there faint light starting to appear in the sky? Ah, #@&$, the damn early birds will soon be starting up with the chirping and twittering, right outside the window no doubt, and then I’ll never get back to sleep. This is the worst night ever. And why are my feet so damn cold? Oh, yeah. They’re out of the covers.

Not moving, not moving, not moving. Other than to scratch my leg. And that place there on my back. Sleep, sleep, sleep … that’s what I want. Wonder what I’m going to write about next for my blog? How about how I used to put my head on the pillow at night and wake up the next morning without interruption or having to go to the bathroom 14 times or being bothered by random thoughts. Sure, I didn’t always wake up refreshed since there were those times in my youth that I was a regular night owl and stayed up to 1 or 2 o’clock in the morning. Then we had children, and we went months without a decent night’s sleep, getting up at all hours to feed them, hold them, rock them back to sleep and it totally and apparently permanently ruined my sleep cycle.

It’s their fault, the miserable little … no, no. They are wonderful children who are now all grown up and not living in our house disturbing our sleep. Maybe I should give them a call to see if they’re awake at, oh let’s see, 4:25, and reminisce about the good old days when they were wee tots. 

Who cares what time it is? I’ll just lie here for a bit longer and then go ahead and get up. Get an early start on the day. Up and at ’em; I can’t wait. Funny, I used to love sleeping in, but now I find it hard to just lie there in the mornings. There used to be nothing better than snuggling under the covers, no school or work or problems ahead that day, happy and content….

What time is it now? 7:15?! What? How? I must have dozed off. But this can’t be. It’s time to get up. F will be jumping out of bed any moment now. But I just got back to sleep. I don’t wanna get up. I just wanna lie here in peace, with no worries, no plans, no problems … just for a few more minutes.

Whew. Sometimes this sleeping really wears me out.