Beach Etiquette

Yesterday we were apparently in between bands in the hurricane/tropical storm that has been plaguing us for the last several days and nights, so instead of the predicted rain we actually had a mostly sunny if windy day. (Today, on the other hand, is extremely rough, wet, windy and wild.) We naturally set up shop on the beach, where before long we were joined by two obnoxious women who parked their beach wagon no more than 10 feet in front of us.

After plopping into their beach chairs, they proceeded to violate almost all of the accepted beach etiquette norms within the first five minutes – the most egregious, obviously, was the lack of proper social distancing; if they had turned their chairs to face us, it would have been as though we were in the same group.

So, with their distasteful music and grating voices still ringing in my ears, I thought I would share some of the basic rules of the beach that all civilized people would agree should be observed. I wrote much of this last year while we were here, but knowing right and wrong should be timeless.

The beach, like airports and movie theaters, seems to leave otherwise normal acting people nonplussed by basic social norms and politeness. In other words, they have no concept of proper etiquette.

And, yes, there is and should be etiquette on the beach. Just because people are wearing attire they would be mortified to be seen in at, say, the mall is no reason to act in an uncivilized manner. Experienced beach-goers will instantly recognize these faux pas:

• Setting up your beach chairs too close to someone else. If it is Coney Island-crowded, I get that you may have limited options. But when there is plenty of open space, or sand in this case, don’t plop your ass down just a few feet away. I don’t want you to listen to my conversations and I certainly don’t want to listen to yours. Which brings us to…

• Shut the %&$* up, please. Just because you are outside doesn’t mean you have to yell at your partner sitting an arm’s length away (although with the average age of the crowd in this part of the world, I grant you that deafness could be an issue). Try your indoor voice.

• Similarly, the entire beach does not want to listen to your phone conversation. Did you even think that, since it’s a vacation, you might leave the phone in the room?

• There are these wonderful gizmos they have invented that connect your ears to the music-playing device of your choice called earphones or earbuds. They allow you to enjoy your poor choice in music without subjecting the rest of us to it. 

• Please don’t come and erect your tent right in front of me. 

• Please don’t leave your poorly erected beach umbrella unattended if you are upwind of me.

• Speaking of upwind, I have already applied my sunscreen and don’t need your spray-on sunscreen wafting into my eyes.

Sadly, we have experienced all of these issues, some more bothersome than others. However, it takes some doing to ruin a beach for me, so we have mostly ignored or laughed off the insensitivity of others.

But don’t push me; if you get too close I’ll throw my Cheetos behind your beach chair and a flock of screeching, ravenous seagulls will be all over you.