‘Tis The Season To Be Cooking

Well hello, and welcome to my show, Hot Stuff in the Kitchen!

Some of you may remember the previous incarnation of this show that was on several years ago. Wildly successful it was, both episodes, probably a bit ahead of its time.

Anyway, that was then and this is now. I know a lot of you are tired of cooking and being in the kitchen, what with the pandemic and all, and not getting your daily dose of processed food given to you in a greasy sack, but with the Christmas season upon us I thought I’d show you how to whip up a delicious and easy holiday treat: cheese straws!

I’m using one of my favorite recipes that was handed down to me by my mother-in-law, who knew her way around a kitchen, let me tell you. These are simple to make and use basic ingredients, so even a novice cook can turn out these tasty treats that would make you the hit of any holiday party if we still had parties.

So, the first thing I do to get ready to cook is pour me a glass of something to lubricate the process. Cooking, after all, is thirsty work, although people who know me probably would say I don’t work much but am pretty much always thirsty. Anyway, to get us in the holiday spirit, I have selected this fine carton of egg nog to help us today. Let me just top off this cup and take a sip … oops, sorry about the spray, there. Whew, bleh, that stuff would gag a maggot. It says here you can drink it warm; I can’t think of anything I’d least like to warm up and drink. In fact, I think I’ll just pour this down the sink and hope it doesn’t clog up the plumbing.

Okay, now I’ve got to get that bad taste out of my mouth. Fortunately, I have just the thing. I whipped up a batch of martinis earlier as a backup because, seriously, a drink called egg nog is always going to be suspect, isn’t it? Lemme plop a couple of olives in there … you know, as an aside, the nice thing about a martini, other than it packs a kick like a mule, is that it comes with a snack inside. I’ll just take a sip to see if … yowza! That’s some rocket fuel right there.

Enough of that; let’s get started. First thing you need is cheese. Duh, without cheese, obviously, they would just be straws, and who wants to eat a straw? Now, I use a high quality sharp cheddar, but if you want to be perverse about it you can use some other cheese, I suppose. It’s also important to use a block of cheese and not that stuff that comes already grated in those little bags since those don’t have nearly the flavor. I grated this pile of cheese in front of me earlier – honest, I didn’t cheat and dump it out of a bag of already shredded cheese; you’ll just have to trust me on this – because there’s nothing more boring on a cooking show that watching the chef do some monotonous, repetitive chore. I’ll drink to that.

I use this old-fashioned grater that I think was also passed down to me by my mother-in-law. It’s a classic. Coarsely grated cheese is just fine, so you just methodically grate, grate, grate … uh, oh. Now see, even professional chefs have to be careful when you get to the nub of the cheese … oh, well, what’s a couple of fingernails in your food when all is said and done, am I right?

Okay, we have about two cups of cheese and we’ll just dump that in this bowl. A sip of the martini … aah. Good stuff. Next, we’re going to measure out two cups of flour and add that to the cheese. Be careful when you are measuring flour because it tends to come out … okay, never mind the extra flour I just spilled on the counter, and I’ll just sweep up that on the floor later. 

Then we add two sticks of softened butter, which you can do in the microwave but remember to put it on a plate or bowl first or you’re going to have a real mess. And now comes the secret ingredient: two cups of Rice Krispies. Yes, the very same old-timey snap, crackle and pop cereal. I’ll just open the box and the bag … hmm, I always have trouble with these bags. That baby just won’t tear … I’ll just use my teeth … okay, fine, I’ll just rip … whoa … we’ll be snapping, crackling and popping in here for days. Those guys really fly. Dang. Lemme get these outta my drink; oh, the heck with it, I’ll just suck them on down … hmmm, not bad. Right. Dump what’s left in the bag in there with the cheee.  

Then we add a half teaspoon of salt. Let’s pause here and, well, let’s have another sip … hmm, this martini is getting warm so let me have a bigger ship … sip.  Right. Where was I? Oh, yeah, salt. Many people think salt is salt, but we chefs know better. There are many different kinds of salt from all over the world. My preference is this specially made Himalayan rock salt – you can see it’s slightly pinkish due to mineral impurities which is just a fancy way of saying there are probably some bits of rock in there – but unlike most Himalayan salt this particular salt was scraped off the backside of yaks who live near the mines and sit around on their butts a lot, thus picking up some of the spilled salt. The yak adds a touch of, oh, let’s say a musty flavor is a polite way of saying it.

So let’s add some of that to our mix; whew, if you were here in the kitchen with me now you’d get a good whiff of that salt. You’d see what I was talking about that it has a distinctive smell and taste. Pretty pungent. Kind of reminds me of … you know, never mind, I’m going to need another gulp … sip … and I’ll just fish out one of those olives while I’m add it. At it. Maybe don’t go olive fishing while standing over the bowl, but, hey, a little gin never hurt anybody.   

All right. Finally, the last ingredient. More olives. I’m just going to top off that martini ‘cause it definitely has lost its cool and plop a couple of these bad boys in there. Yep, that is good stuff. Right. Last ingredient. Um, hang on, let me look at the recipe … oh, right. Hot sauce. It adds a bit of a bite and brings out the cheddar taste as well. Any ol’ good hot sauce will do … well, darn, that was supposed to just dribble out. Good thing there was only a half of bottle there. So, these, um, whatever they’re called might turn out to be a tad spicy.

Mix this up and mash it around, take another gulp, do the hokey pokey then stick your hands down in there and start making little balls. Then we flatten them out a little, stick them on a baking sheet … dang. Lemme just wash my hands and find that damn – pardon my French – baking sheet. And where’s that martini? 

Right. Roll ‘em into little balls, lay ‘em out on the pan. Then stick them in the oven that should have been preheated, darn it, at 375 degrees for about 15 minutes or so. We’re going to have to wait for the oven to warm up and I have to make some more martinis but I see we’re out of time. Trust me, these cheese straws are great – just be careful with that hot sauce – and I’m sorry you won’t get to see the finished product but right now I’ve got bigger fish to fry, so to speak, because I’m afraid that I might be out of olives.

Until next time, this has been Hot Stuff in the Kitchen!