Baby, It’s Still Cold Outside

I have to admit that I am disappointed in this global warming stuff.

Look, I know the difference between weather and climate. I know several long months of winter with frigid temperatures and lots of snow mean nothing, climatologically speaking. I know that just because we are now having a spring of cooler – nay, colder – than average temperatures means nothing, other than I am more than ready to don my uniform of choice: shorts, T-shirts and flip-flops.

But, c’mon. I’ve been willing to accept that our inability to actually do something meaningful to reduce the emissions causing rising temperatures means we have to at least prepare for the worst and make the best of things. So as the years of global warming – or the greenhouse effect, as we used to call it back in the day – roll by, I have dreams of palm trees lining my driveway here in the mountains. I have already staked out where my small grove of banana trees would replace the native rhododendrons. The mango tree would go here, the orange tree there … you get the picture.

But, no. While other regions get the heat, we get the other side of climate change extremes – the ass end of global warming, as I like to call it. So of course my peach tree blossoms felt the frigid fingers of a March cold snap, the apple trees just as they were blooming shivered from an April hard freeze, and the poor birds will have a difficult time later on stealing what’s left on the blueberry bushes.

Never mind; I can live without hand-picked fruit. But if you live in a place with long winters, you know how hard it is to watch precious spring days that should be warm be wasted by cool, wet weather. I haven’t even dragged the garden hoses out of the basement yet or put the screens on the windows, for crying out loud. And forget about putting flowers and plants on the patio and deck; it’s supposed to be in the 30s tonight.

So I don’t mean to be a sore loser or anything, but I say that if we aren’t going to reap any of the benefits of warmer weather, then the hell with it: We may as well go on and finally do something to reverse global warming. I’ve been willing to trade a few years of tropical weather in my cool mountain climate for ultimate global destruction, but no more.

And I’m willing to do my part. I hereby offer myself out for hire as an expert environmental engineer. I am willing to move, for a price, anywhere that needs to reverse the effects of global warming. Too hot for you? Not after I move next door. Not enough rain? Better grab an umbrella, ’cause here I come. Glaciers melting? A few months with me in a cabin nearby and they’ll freeze right back. Sea waters rising? Sit me on the beach and the tide is going out.

And if you don’t think that I could make a difference, that one person can’t do anything to help, then you haven’t been paying attention. Because it’s a heck of a lot more than what the leaders of the world have been doing about it.