Having now participated in my share of long-range holiday driving, I can say with complete confidence that, personally, I am ready for those driverless cars they keep promising are just down the road.
I mean, how much worse can a computer behind the wheel be than, say, all those dropouts from driver’s ed who are roaring down the road? These are some of the various types of hazards of the highway I’ve encountered recently:
- The nitwits who persist in cruising down the road in the passing lane, oblivious to the 40 cars backed up behind them because, hey, what traffic? the road in front of me is completely clear and geez, don’t people know they shouldn’t pass on the right?
- The road racers who zip in and out of traffic, changing lanes on a whim while cutting you off because, hey, I’m in a hurry and you’re not.
- The texters – you know who they are (I’m assuming you are not one) because they are easy to spot: driving about 5 mph below the speed limit, usually in the left lane (see above), weaving around, and generally acting like they had one cocktail too many because, OMG, like, knowing who Susie said she saw at the movies with Jennifer is far more important than avoiding a 20-car pileup on the interstate.
- The chowderheads that don’t understand what a turn signal is. They either don’t use them at all, preferring to spring a surprise on any drivers behind them when they suddenly decide to turn, or start blinking halfway through the turn, although they probably just accidentally hit the turn signal stick while spinning the steering wheel.
- And let’s not forget the paranoid drivers who inexplicably turn on their emergency flashers when it starts drizzling or they hit a patch of wispy fog. Perhaps these drivers feel they are doing the rest of us a useful service by providing a distraction from the weather.
And speaking of bad conditions, what’s up with all these commercials of cars zooming around in the snow as though they are slaloming down a ski slope? They show these cars spraying snow as they fishtail around curves going 70 mph, sliding across frozen lakes, and flying over snow-covered hills like some deranged snowboarder. As someone who has to drive on roads with actual snow, please don’t try those driving techniques around me.
What’s next, since we are promoting poor driving habits: commercials showing how much fun it is to zip by a stopped school bus, drag race on a residential street, or drive around at night without your headlights on?
Here’s a tip: any time you see a car commercial with fine print saying something to the effect of “professional driver on a closed course” you should consider why they are going to such ridiculous lengths to sell that particular vehicle.
Save driving.