Just Try A Bite

We all have our idiosyncrasies when it comes to food tastes, with some of us much pickier than others when it comes to what we’ll stuff in our mouths. I’m not talking about culinary choices made for reasons other than taste, such as food allergies or diet guidelines or animal rights; I’m talking plain old childish “I ain’t going to eat that crap because I don’t like it.”

Some of it is taste and some of it is texture; beets, for instance, taste like the dirt from whence they came, while the Jello I happily slurped around in my mouth in my youth now seems like some unnatural alien foodstuff that I’d just as soon not, er, slosh around with.

As adults, of course, we are free to spit food out of our mouths when we don’t like it, or we can refuse to even touch it with our fork without the threat of sitting at the dinner table until bedtime. As the primary cook in our household, I have oversight of the food purchases, so rare it is that the odd turnip or stray ham makes its way into our kitchen in the first place, much less onto my plate.

A lot of my food aversions spring from childhood, although fortunately there are many that I have overcome. I went to kindergarten in Hawaii, and as the only haole kid in class was given an early lesson in cultural culinary peculiarities by being served – every day at lunch, five days a week – an ice cream scoopful of sticky rice. It would be plopped down on my plate and sit there unmoving like a miniature igloo, tasteless and bland and starchy and, after days and weeks of plop, plop, plop, way too much for the delicate palate of a five-year-old to handle.

It was years before I could eat rice again without my stomach churning, to say nothing of what the click-clunk sound of an old-fashioned ice cream scoop did to my tender young psyche.

But the rice experience was small potatoes when it came to some of the other meals I was forced to endure later on in elementary school. Continuing my introduction to cultural food oddities, I remember to this day the stench emanating from the lunchroom in third grade on Wednesdays in southern Ohio, where with its large population of German descendants they assumed everyone would want a taste of sauerkraut and barely cooked sausages and mushy carrots on a weekly basis. 

Those were the days (after walking to school barefoot in the snow for two miles) when there was no school choice, at least in the cafeteria, and there was a teacher up by the trash can who scanned your tray to make sure you had eaten at least three bites of everything. Well, I was not a big fan of milk, either, but I would suck it down happily in order to surreptitiously stuff that smelly kraut and at least half of that big, fat, nasty gray sausage into the little half-pint carton – not an easy task, let me tell you – and close it back up with the straw still poking out to sneak it past the trash police.

Today, I like sausages just fine as long as they are not fat and gray and undercooked, but you can keep your kraut, thank you very much.

As I have gotten older, though not necessarily more mature, I find my taste buds are pretty much set in their ways. But I do try to eat higher quality and healthier food (which is not to say that pizza, hamburgers, fries, etc. can’t be occasionally rationalized as healthy). The easiest way to do this is to buy locally as much as possible, preferably through a farmers’ market or roadside stand. The food generally is much fresher, much tastier, much healthier for you, and – although usually slightly more expensive – a much better deal. As an example, the lettuce I buy at the farmers’ market is better tasting and lasts twice as long as the stuff you buy in the grocery store, probably because it hasn’t spent a week in the back of a truck.

Actually, all this talk of food is making me hungry. Some rice sounds good….

Tuned In

One of life’s great conundrums, at least to me, is how we as a modern civilization have the collective attention span of a squirrel on speed but can binge-watch television shows for hours on end.

I blame the decline in our ability to pay attention to anything for very long on the electronification of our lives, what with computers and televisions and telephones and social media all demanding that we look and listen and follow and respond all the time. Heck, most people can’t even go out to a restaurant for a nice romantic dinner without setting their phones on the table because, you know, something might be more diverting on that device than what’s happening in life as it’s lived around them.

I, too, am not immune to this trend as my attention span has dwindled dramatically over the years, so I am astounded that so many people can sit still for so long to watch not just television but the same show on and on, episode after episode, season after season.

And, yes, I realize my critique of popular TV viewing habits puts me at odds with almost all of you, dear readers, and that in your eyes I am a culturally deprived buffoon, a criticism borne out by the laughable ignorance I have with popular culture clues while doing the New York Times crossword puzzle (“Receptionist on The Office?” No idea. “Bartender on The Simpsons?” I got nothing). And I have no defense against your rebuttal that you would rather watch paint dry than sit through some of the sporting events that I regularly view.

Howsomever, I stand by my assertion that watching 14 hours of Orange is the New Black without even getting up from the couch to go pee is not something to be proud of.

But even if it is, I think we should all stop for a moment – or hit the pause button, as the case may be – and consider the larger picture, and I don’t mean the one on your TV as opposed to the one on your phone. Fewer people are reading books, claiming they “don’t have the time.” Fewer people are paying attention to world affairs, saying “it’s too boring.” Fewer people are talking to each other, even on the phone, because texting is easier and, of course, it saves time.

And we all know what you’re saving all that time to do, don’t we?

I’m not saying you should turn off your TV; I like television and having grown up with naught but three channels (four if you count public TV, which you don’t when you’re a kid) one of the happiest days of my life was when I got satellite TV with its wasteland of viewing so vast it boggles the mind. But I think life is better with a balance, so perhaps tonight you might think about reading a book for a while or listening to music for a bit or, here’s a thought: Sit and talk with the other person in the room with you.

That’s what I’m going to do. Definitely. A bit of in-depth conversation with the wife. Some personal one-on-one time.

Right after I watch that soccer game I recorded.

On Drugs

Now that there is government health care for all (of me), I’ve begun paying closer attention to those drug commercials on TV that I always ignored because I knew I couldn’t afford them. Because, hey, you never know what ailment you’re going to discover you have after Googling some disease and thinking, hmmm, yes, I could very well be sick with that.

But then you hear the fine print. Such as the possible side effects, which the announcers read really fast as if they think you’ll miss the parts about projectile vomiting, intense diarrhea, excruciating pain, hair loss, and potential heart stoppage. But not to worry! You’ll have clear skin and white teeth!

My favorite disclaimer, however, is the one that says “Don’t take this drug if you are allergic to it.”

Really? That’s ridiculous, because it assumes the drug-taking citizenry is too stupid to know better than to take something that’s bad for them.

Wouldn’t a better disclaimer be “Don’t take this drug if you can’t afford it” because we all know the pharmaceutical industry is not just scraping by selling life-saving drugs at barely above cost.

And why is medicine being advertised on TV like any other product, anyway? I mean, they tell us to ask our doctor about such-and-such drug; am I supposed to go in and say, “Hey, Doc, I heard about this really neat drug on TV that is supposed to help me have a healthier lifestyle. Think I should try some? Got any free samples?”

In olden days they had these hucksters travel from town to town conning the rubes into buying secret elixirs and special potions that would supposedly cure whatever ailed you. These cure-alls usually were made up of odds and ends mixed in with cheap liquor.

We’ve come a long way from those days of gullibility and lack of regulation: You don’t even get any liquor in your medicine now.

Slightly Awry

So I’ve come to the belated conclusion that there must be something just a bit off kilter about myself, a conclusion I’m sure my wife and others acquainted with me have either known for some time or certainly suspected.

I’m not sure if my polarity is reversed, my electromagnetic field is on the fritz, my karma needs rebooting, or I am simply poor at beating the odds. Scientifically speaking, my luck in certain areas is practically non-existent.

How else to explain the fact that there should be a 50 percent chance of inserting a USB device into a computer port the first time, but my percentage hovers near zero? (I know, a lot of the USB devices are helpfully marked to tell you which side is up, but usually I’m inserting them when either I or the computer are upside down and in dim lighting under a desk with my head banging into something.)

And electrical plugs are the same. OK, I readily admit that, again, I don’t take the time to look at the plug, see where the big prong is, line it up with the big slot, and plug it in. I prefer the method that worked when I was a kid and we didn’t worry about electrical safety but made up for it with equality of electrical pronghood sizes: you just shoved the sucker in and it fit.

You would think that occasionally I would guess correctly but you would be wrong and I have plenty of bent prongs on my plugs to prove it. And of course you are already nodding to yourself that, yes, I bet all of his extension cords are knotted in a hopeless mess even though he carefully rolled them up the last time he put them away.

It could be that all that useless jabbing at outlets and untangling cords has sent my electromagnetic field out of whack because something sure does cause stoplights to turn red every time I drive up to one.

Then there are garden hoses, the bane of my outdoor existence. Do you know how much money I’ve spent on hoses guaranteed not to kink? All I have to do is touch a hose and it instinctively kinks up, and if I drag one across the yard it automatically snags on a rock or a twig or sometimes even an invisible obstacle that only it can see. My hoses do not wind or unwind on those hose winder devices that are supposed to let them effortlessly whir in and out of sight because, well, they just prefer not to.

And, no, my hoses now hibernating for the winter in my basement are not all neatly coiled in loops, awaiting a kinkless spring of leakless watering because I refuse to wrestle them into submission any more, preferring to save them the trouble of tangling themselves up by simply dragging them pre-snarled into the dank, dark basement where they can rot for all I care.

Anyway, I try not to let all this get to me – OK, the hoses are still bothering me – because I realize that I am fortunate in many ways and that I am proficient, competent and not lacking in expertise in many areas.

I’ll write a post about them just as soon as I think of some.

Don’t Call Us …

There are a lot of annoying people in the world, but as we all know some of the worst are those telemarketers who target you with incessant sales pitches, usually at the most inconvenient times. 

Recently, the calls began picking up in frequency at my house, where due to reasons of neighborhood cell tower scarcity we still maintain an old-fashioned land line. Alas, the reason was that my 65th birthday was approaching, which meant I would be eligible for Medicare. So everyone was trying to help the soon-to-be-senior citizen, particularly insurance companies who have been ripping me off for the last 45 years who suddenly have my best interests at heart and want to assure me they will inexpensively fill in the gaps in my coverage that Medicare won’t cover.

Then there were all the experts who wanted to help walk me step by step through the complicated process of applying for Medicare (how generous of them, I thought, to offer their expertise to me; I wondered if there would be some slight service charge).

It turned out that I was able to navigate Medicare without any telemarketing assistance, and all those calls ultimately stopped after my birthday. But now that I am an authentic, government-approved senior citizen, I worry that I will now be targeted by other, less scrupulous callers who think I will be easy pickings because of my declining brain functions (I readily admit those functions may be in decline, but for reasons other than advancing age).

For instance, it used to be you could tell it was a sales call by caller ID identifying it as a 1-800 type number. But now they have this scam going where they have fake numbers; it started with it being local numbers, so you would think it was some friend whose number you didn’t recognize. Then it escalated into the time I checked the caller ID and saw that somehow I seemed to be calling myself, since the phone had my name and number as the caller. Really? How is this even possible? Or legal?

The second time it happened, I picked up the phone (I’m of two minds about answering telemarketers and robocallers; on the one hand I’ve read that you should not answer and they’ll think the number is invalid, but my wife believes that I should answer and that if I ask politely to remove our number from their call list they will do so. Sometimes I wonder if my wife also believes in unicorns that fart rainbows out their asses. But don’t tell her I said that.) and said, “Hi! Is this me? Or is it I?”

Sadly, I heard only a pause, then the dial tone. I’m not sure, existentially, what exactly that means. 

Whatever Happened To Driver’s Ed?

Having now participated in my share of long-range holiday driving, I can say with complete confidence that, personally, I am ready for those driverless cars they keep promising are just down the road.

I mean, how much worse can a computer behind the wheel be than, say, all those dropouts from driver’s ed who are roaring down the road? These are some of the various types of hazards of the highway I’ve encountered recently:

  • The nitwits who persist in cruising down the road in the passing lane, oblivious to the 40 cars backed up behind them because, hey, what traffic? the road in front of me is completely clear and geez, don’t people know they shouldn’t pass on the right?
  • The road racers who zip in and out of traffic, changing lanes on a whim while cutting you off because, hey, I’m in a hurry and you’re not.
  • The texters  – you know who they are (I’m assuming you are not one) because they are easy to spot: driving about 5 mph below the speed limit, usually in the left lane (see above), weaving around, and generally acting like they had one cocktail too many because, OMG, like, knowing who Susie said she saw at the movies with Jennifer is far more important than avoiding a 20-car pileup on the interstate.
  • The chowderheads that don’t understand what a turn signal is. They either don’t use them at all, preferring to spring a surprise on any drivers behind them when they suddenly decide to turn, or start blinking halfway through the turn, although they probably just accidentally hit the turn signal stick while spinning the steering wheel.
  • And let’s not forget the paranoid drivers who inexplicably turn on their emergency flashers when it starts drizzling or they hit a patch of wispy fog. Perhaps these drivers feel they are doing the rest of us a useful service by providing a distraction from the weather.

And speaking of bad conditions, what’s up with all these commercials of cars zooming around in the snow as though they are slaloming down a ski slope? They show these cars spraying snow as they fishtail around curves going 70 mph, sliding across frozen lakes, and flying over snow-covered hills like some deranged snowboarder. As someone who has to drive on roads with actual snow, please don’t try those driving techniques around me. 

What’s next, since we are promoting poor driving habits: commercials showing how much fun it is to zip by a stopped school bus, drag race on a residential street, or drive around at night without your headlights on? 

Here’s a tip: any time you see a car commercial with fine print saying something to the effect of “professional driver on a closed course” you should consider why they are going to such ridiculous lengths to sell that particular vehicle.

Save driving.

Merry Christmas

‘Tis hard to be merry this holiday season
When it seems that we lack any voice of reason.
Chaos unfolding is the order of the day
And it doesn’t seem like we have any say.

The weather is frightful, the traffic is bad;
The shopping is a disaster with no gifts to be had.
Your body is filled with back aches and knee pain,
And the carols you hear are driving you insane.

It’s enough to make you unhappy and sad
Or rage at everything because you’re so mad.
But your life is your own, you decide how you feel,
And how you treat others is a very big deal.

There’s always someone who is worse off than you,
So don’t wallow in pity and expect us to boohoo.
Find a good cause or help someone in need;
Few things make you feel better than doing a good deed.

So get up and dance though you have two left feet;
You’ll never find your groove if you stay in your seat.
Sing a song really loud even if it’s way out of tune,
‘Cause the music will stop playing for us far too soon.

Choose happiness now, it won’t just appear,
And spread some of that joy to someone you hold dear.
Keep warmth in your heart and make your soul kind,
It will really do wonders for your own peace of mind.

So slow down and enjoy a bit of holiday cheer,
Make all of your giving heartfelt and sincere.
Embrace the season and appreciate the fuss,
And don’t forget to have a merry Christmas from us.

Adventures In Social Media

As one of the last sentient beings on the planet seemingly without a Facebook page, it was with some trepidation that I decided that I should finally join the crowd, so to speak.

While I have not had a Facebook page for a variety of reasons – chief among them being my wife forbade me since she rightly conjectured that I would post all sorts of inflammatory stuff, such as my opinions, like everyone else – I have been a lurker on my wife’s page, mainly to follow along with the escapades of family and friends.

When the marketing team for this blog recommended that I make my presence known on social media, I dutifully set about setting up a Facebook account. Perhaps shocked that I was at last joining, Facebook reported back that I would have to wait 24 hours to set up my page. Something about it being for my own security and Facebook is, of course, known far and wide as a paragon of on-line security.

After the waiting period was up, I was then informed that my account had been disabled. Possible reasons were that I might have violated one of their policies, a dubious proposition since I hadn’t even set up a page much less made an offensive post. Another option, I guess, might be they didn’t like the picture of myself that I had to submit, but then I wasn’t real wild about it either.

Following instructions, I reported that I felt I had been unfairly disabled and uploaded proof in the form of my driver’s license that I was not, in fact, a Russian troll (I get that someone named Smith would be an immediate red flag, but since when did Facebook have a problem with Russian trolls?)

A week later, I have yet to hear from the faceless Facebook folk and, alas, remain locked out of my account, so there will be no promotion of this blog on my non-existent page. I have since sent them what I admit is a rather pointedly critical message that some might construe to be somewhat sarcastic about the lack of response, so I suppose I will be locked out of Facebook for quite awhile.

I don’t know about you, but these ridiculously inane encounters with frustratingly inept representatives of mammoth institutions tend to irritate me no end. After the last non-communication with the crack Facebook team, who if they have an old-fashioned telephone or e-mail link are keeping it a secret, I decided to let go of my frustration and not let social media stress me out like it does everyone else.

So I turned my iPad off and turned some music on, in this case some Mavis Staples (and, yes, I let her take me there). I recommend you do this more often, too.

Welcome

A few notes about this blog.

First, welcome and thank you for taking the time to visit this site, which is rudimentary and inelegant because design and pizazz are not my strong suits. At some point it all may look nicer with more pictures and fancy graphics and cool links, but don’t get your hopes up.

Second, this blog, as the name implies, is about fun. F and I have been together a long time and we’ve always made it a point to try and have some fun along the way, even when lots of people were seemingly conspiring to ensure we wouldn’t.

One of them most important things we’ve learned about fun, however, is that you can’t take it for granted; it rarely just happens without making some effort. Like happiness, you have to choose to actively seek it out and embrace it; hence, the title of this blog. Because we’re still trying to find as much fun as we can.

I don’t intend this blog to be an actual guidebook for fun; you have to find yours if you can. But I do hope it will provide some fun, some amusement, some insight, some entertainment, and some income (just kidding).

The idea for this blog arose from dispatches to friends and family I wrote while traveling, so there may be some travel notes to go along with some social commentary, contemplations and random observations about the state of the human condition. I thought it unfair to subject those family and friends to continued assaults of unsolicited emails, so am now opting to let them voluntarily subject themselves to my musings.

Finally, since most of the writing I’ve done in my life was on a deadline, I can’t promise to adhere to any sort of a regular schedule of posting. I plan to be irregular if not capricious in my blogging, which means I’ll write something when I have something to say.

Thanks for listening so far.

T