Tag: freedom

Greetings From The Sunshine State

As has been our custom in recent autumns, we are spending a month in Florida recuperating from the stresses of, in F’s case, tax season (for those not familiar with the ways of CPAs, tax season doesn’t really end until Oct. 15), and in my case, F during tax season (just kidding dear!).

Therefore in the coming weeks, assuming I actually do some writing and don’t spend all my waking hours drinking beer on the beach, swimming, riding bikes, cooking seafood, and drinking cocktails while watching sunsets, this blog may occasionally take on the form of a travelogue.

In truth the idea for this blog originated in a series of emails I wrote during some trips we took over the past couple of years as a way of keeping family and friends up to date. Thus, its origins are about the fun we have traveling. So for you readers who are disappointed in not getting the usual brilliant satire and hilarious insights into life and the human condition and could care less about our vacation, all I can say is that you need to check the fine print in the blog’s money back guarantee.

So, a few notes about Florida.

Yes, it’s as decidedly weird and absurd as its reputation, although I have to admit that given the number of times I have read a news item in recent years about some crazy person or some bizarre happening, North Carolina is giving it a run for its money. I think of Florida as having a split personality; one is the glitzy, sandy, high-rising, palm tree swaying, luxury lounging rich relative, while the other is the, well, let’s just leave it as the poor cousin baking in the sun. Driving the length of this great long state, you realize that there are a lot more orange groves, cattle ranches and horse farms than there are beaches, which is saying something. 

And, of course, there are more strip malls per capita than in any other place in the world filled with shops selling stuff I have no idea what it is and offering services I’m not sure I want to know what they are.

I say all this not to denigrate Florida, because I did plenty of that when I was an actual full-time resident of the state, but to celebrate it. Because the mountains of North Carolina, where we live most of the time, have plenty of things visitors could denigrate, plus it’s not very warm right now and – this is the critical point – it doesn’t have a beach.

I have been accused before of not liking where I live, which is not true; I simply don’t like winters that last nearly half the year. And having spent a considerable amount of my childhood around (mostly tropical) water, I’m like a junky who needs a regular fix of the warm waters of the ocean. You could say my heart is in the mountains but my soul is at the beach.

Which brings us to our present surroundings, high above a beach overlooking the Gulf of Mexico. Looking at the beachgoers after driving through the length of Florida, where wearing masks during this pandemic is decidedly optional, I can’t help but wonder why bathing suits aren’t optional too. I mean, who doesn’t long for the glorious freedom from that clingy feeling of wet material grabbing at all your bits and pieces so that you are constantly rearranging things and plucking it away from soggy personal parts?

I might consider putting liberty to the test and seeing just how much freedom is allowed here on the southern tip of America. But I’ll definitely need another beer first.



The Right To Bare More Than Arms

I’ve been curious about this particular urge in some people to invoke their perceived right to not cover up and, therefore, be unprotected and expose themselves to others. Since my first career was as a newspaper reporter, I dusted off my old interviewing skills and set out to get to the bottom of this odd pursuit of freedom and liberty.

Herewith is the interview with one such freedom-loving couple:

“Excuse me, sir, ma’am. I see you seem to be protesting, after a fashion. Would you mind answering a few questions? Sort of a person-in-the-street type of thing.”

“Shoot.”

“I see that you, um, aren’t wearing any clothes. What’s that all about?”

“Well, it’s about our right to nudity.”

“Your right to nudity?”

“That’s right. We have a constitutional right to bear arms, so I think it’s a given that we can bare whatever else we want.”

“Um, sir, I don’t think the right to bear arms is the same thing as the right to bare your butt or in your case, ma’am, your chest.”

“What, haven’t you ever gone around without a shirt?”

“Well, sure, at the beach or around the house. But I’m a guy and…”

“Oh, so you believe in sex discrimination when it comes to clothing? It’s okay for you to go around shirtless but not me because I’m a woman?”

“Well, no. It’s just that, don’t you think you might offend people with your, um, freedom?”

“Anyone offended by us or how we look just needs to suck it up. People all the time get their panties in a wad because of sayings or symbols on T-shirts, or they think someone’s dress is too short, or their pants aren’t pulled up high enough. Can’t see how a birthday suit – which, by the way, we all came into the world in – should cause anyone offense.”

“But aren’t you concerned about your health?’

“Hey, things gotta breathe, you know?”

“I mean, aren’t you worried about picking, er, things up when you sit down and the like? And aren’t you concerned about the health of other people who, well, sit down after you’ve been sitting?”

“Look, there is no scientific evidence that wearing clothes is healthier than going naked, provided you put on sufficient sunscreen, especially in those places the sun don’t normally shine. We have a right to tan.”

“Yes, but, not wearing any clothes … it just seems other people….”

“You know what? We’re tired of people telling us what we can and cannot do. What we have to wear and where we have to wear it. Nowhere in the United States Constitution does it say we have to wear anything. It’s an abuse of personal liberties for you or the government to tell us that we have to wear something just because we want to go outside or into a store or to a restaurant. This is a matter of personal choice. Of personal freedom.”

“All right, point taken. But I see that, while you otherwise don’t have a stitch of clothes on, you both are wearing face masks.”

“C’mon, man, we’re naked, not stupid.”